Poolside Refreshments.

24 Jul

Bobby Roache Swimwear

Obviously Jesus cares nothing about my sluggish metabolism and tree trunk thighs with all this rain keeping me from my daily outdoor run.
Oh, but I will be skinny! Cut to me migrating with the rest of the huge heard to the gym this a.m. to claim my spot on the treadmill amongst the other book readers, Sudoku players and none running fatties.

As I was doing my laps on the hamster wheel emptying my stomach I was getting my fill of morning news and talk shows. Amidst of the refrigerator box advice it seemed like every morning show was doing bathing suits segments on “The Right Fit,” “Bathing Suit Trends” even “Hot Swimsuits for Cheap” all for women by the way.

I was confused because after spending Independence Day by the shore as well as, the Instagram & Facebook holiday updates I’ve come to the conclusion that men need these television segments even more.

Someone need to inform guys that underwear is NOT swimwear! Then again that’s why I’m here.

I absolute loathe with the utmost remorse men who don’t know their proper swimwear fit or the difference between drawers and Speedos.
Just because your underwear is colorful, transparent or tightly fitted does not give you cause to trapeze around the pool or beach in them. Have some respect for onlookers and yourself.

Because I’m such a nice guy and want to save my eyes also, your embarrassment here are the different types of wearable swimwear for men.
First, underwear should not be worn under or as swimwear not only is it tacky, results in soggy bottoms but if you cherish your fashionable underwear that you so eagerly want to show off the salt water or chlorine will ruin the color and shape.

Swim Briefs: Only if you have the physic, girth and minimum body fat this body-hugging swimsuit style is ideal for the beach, yachting and adult pool parties. On a good diet/workout month these are my personal favorites though, it took years of confidence building these are the better alternative for those who like the reveal and creativity of said dreaded underwear. In terms of coverage, the men’s “Speedo” offers the least amount of coverage that varies in styles from full coverage bottom, low-rise, high hip to barely-there g-string and can be made of Lycra, nylon, spandex and polyester.

Square Leg Suits: Let me state this, “If you are a man then they are not called boy shorts!” Some may referrer to these as trunks or boxer briefs when comparing them to underwear however, unlike trunks these are designed with the need for durability in mind, especially the prolonged effects of chlorine. This swimwear choice is a more conservative alternative to the swim briefs still enticing and form fitting and available in an array of color, lengths and prints.

Trunks: The traditional male bathing suit worn by all ages and body types have the vastest selection. The mid-thigh swim short has a built-in mesh lining for those who prefer the support and security of the swim briefs and square leg suits. The options for trunks are limitless from elastic waist bands to drawstrings, pockets or cording and tailored cut to athletic. The guy that still wants to standout without his junk out can go for cool animal prints, stripes, colors and plaids or polka dots.

Board Shorts: The most boring pair of swimwear that I normally reserve for people who actually surf, boat or even skateboard. These are a favorite among teens and bad built people. For that I thank you. They don’t have an elastic waist, like many swim trunks, but rather have a rigid waistband often with a lace-up front and Velcro fly. I really don’t care about these all I ask if you shouldn’t be in a Speedo please opt for these for my poolside view and your humiliation.

Tips: When shopping for a new pair of swim shorts be comfortable with your body type and size. To be honest even the skinniest guy look gross in a bikini. Go for colors that work well with your skin tone, ideal for you proportions and appropriate to where you will be wearing them. This is the one time I would suggest take a friend more effectively a woman (they will give you an honest opinion.)

Price: I say go ahead and invest! In light of swimwear being a seasonally item people won’t see you in them as often therefore you can get the best, artistic and exclusive pair desired. Although, if you are looking for a deal but don’t want to miss out on your size buy while in season. Retailers/designers markdown swimwear getting ready to unveil the next season attire or you can wait till the end of swim season and get the leftover at pennies on the dollar.

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5 Responses to “Poolside Refreshments.”

  1. KS July 24, 2013 at 12:03 pm #

    oh! i was expecting to see some cake and ice-cream, or maybe a frothy drink or something 🙂

  2. roddklever July 25, 2013 at 3:16 am #

    I don’t feel comfortable in anything but board shorts, I feel like anything less is too much, but square cut shorts might work tho

    • BougieHippie July 29, 2013 at 9:29 am #

      No offense but you are too short to be in board shorts and I know for a fact that you work too hard on your body (leg day more specifically) to not show it off. I wouldn’t suggest a full on banana hammock but a pair of square cut trunks or a modest squared leg suit.

      • roddklever July 29, 2013 at 10:48 pm #

        Squared leg suit…. I guess next summer I will try something new

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