I originally took up yoga because I wanted a challenge. I did the gym, I went vegetarian even switch from running on the treadmill to running outdoors. Though, I got nice results from those changes they never really inspired or satisfied the sense of accomplishment and progress I needed. Only because I wasn’t trying anything new but just changing up what I was already doing.
The challenge I was looking for wasn’t just physical; it was internal as well. There are so many things I want from my life however, I talk myself out of following through with certain voyages because being conformable and only attempting what I know I can do is much more safer than going beyond my limit, failing or hurting something. Leaving me vulnerable, disappointed and feeling stupid for even trying.
Outside of the yoga studio this mediocre life of safety I built is a set of guarded rules I developed and safely followed in my romantic life, career and overall exploration of life. I grew up with the people responsible for me taking risk for me without considering me, that lead me down an unstable teenage life emotionally, economically, financially and mentally.
Therefore, the moment I became an adult and “in control” of my life I made the decision to do exactly what I am “supposed” to do and nothing more than I’m capable of to not live the life I was raised in.
Thinking I was putting myself in position of control I eventually deviated from the life plan I made because creating an obtainable life was better than risking an uncertain fulfilling life.
This restrictive way of thinking is prevalent in the way I date- only talking to guys for a limited time to not become dependent on their love or have to factor them in my life pass “whats your favorite color.” In my career- I would go after jobs that are easy to get that I knew I was overly qualified for having nothing to do with my true passion simply because they paid well. Even with the way I worked out; let’s not mention how I remained in Kansas for 10 years now beyond the four years of college I moved here for due to it being so cheap to live here and I wouldn’t have to struggle. On the outside I have the beautiful apartment, amazing resume, nice body, orderly finances and high confidence; on the inside I’ve been suffocating with a swelling feeling of worthlessness. With all the constant blessing obtained I know I’m happy but I’m still not going to risk a comfortable lifestyle on being happy.
Now my 30th birthday is approaching and I don’t know what was it all for! I feel like everything I have now and my need to control the every situation wasn’t worth my self-fulfillment.
As of last night I made a promise to myself to just try! It’s not about taking the risk, giving up control or coming up sort, it’s about taking yourself out of your comfort zone to get to your most desired goal.
Like with yoga, a year ago I could barely hold a plank for 5 breathes without being to-the-bone sore the next morning; cut to me today trying Baby Grasshopper for second time with ease upon the many new pose I’ve took a risk on learning all by just trying.
Life is scary, unsure and sometimes chaotic but what I’m learning over these last 10 years that it’s best to risk comfort than your happiness. Many of us aren’t living up to our full potential because chasing control is more important than living for fulfillment.
We don’t try because of what onlookers will think/say if we fall, or because we proclaimed one thing and decided to go for something else and don’t want to deal with “I told you so’s” or people constantly questioning our decisions. We fight ourselves daily to go with what we ought to do rather than what we want to do. The same will we muster up to do the “obtainable” thing we should use that drive to take a risk on whatever will make you genuinely happy. Because if you fail at least you tried and nothing beats a failure but a try.
From TODAY on forward, I’m going to just try. I’m over playing it safe or considering others’ opinions, I just want to be the best me for me.
I encouraging my readers to challenge yourself to try. Don’t just do what you know you can do, go beyond that and do something harder. Who knows you might end up with that firm butt and rock arm abs you keep praying to Skinny-Jesus for.
Now on to learning full Caturaṅga Daṇḍāsana!